Two months is a long time to be away from someone, when all you want is to spend every waking moment with that person. Problem is, it’s only been a week and a half. There are still six and a half weeks left before Donny will join me here full time. A visit here and there will be all that we can hope for. Well… yes and no... All I can say is, thank all the feral gods for e-mail, chat and Skype. I do believe it will be the potent combination of those three gifts from said gods that will navigate us through those bleak, lonely weeks. Whoa… I think I’m about to go into insulin shock…

It’s not like that, really. We’re not all moon-faced and gooey when we’re talking to each other. Just chatting like we normally would on any given morning, afternoon or evening. We talk about boring things like bills and the weather and packing and unpacking and rude body functions and broken garbage disposals and traumatized cats and, well, you get the picture. Also, mostly, we’re just goofballs. Here’s a classic example of that. An excerpt from an actual, true-to-life chat we had not too long ago. Expurgated for brevity and minimally edited for clarity. I know, huh? Big words for a pot head on his third glass of wine…

*

me: Huh. Fergie, Seether and Blind Guardian just cracked my top 25. I must be playing them a lot...

him: :)

me: Pink hit it a while ago. She's at number 11...

him: Hmmm

me: Cripes, I sound like Casey Kasem...

him: LOL! You're much cuter.

me: He's just older. And more Jewish. You know how Jewish men age… Like Billy Crystal.

him: Yeah.

me: They get jowly and mushy and their noses get bigger. Or maybe their faces get smaller.

him: Yikes!

me: It's true. Maybe it's their skulls that shrink. Could account for all that extra skin. Terrible... I'm going to hell. Jewish hell. OY!

him: Oh, please. That WOULD be frightening… Imagine Fran Dresher,

me: No, thanks…

him: Singing Bette Midler songs to you for eternity.

me: ACK! So, anyway, the demon in charge would be named Morrie.

him:???

me: He'd wear Bermuda shorts and sandals with black socks.

him: LOL!

me: And he'd say, "oy, my lumbago..."

him: Totally!

me: And he'd wear thick glasses. And be three feet tall. With tufts of hair sprouting out of his oversized ears... And hell would be like Florida. Large women in mumus and giant plastic sunglasses... With perfect hair and nails. And pink lipstick.

him: Totally terrible…

me: Nagging... always nagging... THAT WOULD BE HELL!!!

him: LOL! It was a fun hell, though. Compared to some other interpretations I've heard…

me: I got carried away...

him: At least there'd be something to laugh about down there!! :)

me: Have you ever been nagged by an old Jewish woman? Seriously...

him: Not... directly, I don't think, no... you?

me: Uh huh. Waiting tables can BE hell...

him: AH, that.

me: "I asked for my eggs to be over easy... these are runny! If I wanted runny I would have asked for runny... take them away, I've lost my appetite. Just bring me a bagel. And cream cheese. The REAL cream cheese, not that fake kind you people use. And a clean knife. I can't use this one. It has spots. And while you're at it, could you please ask the chef to make the bacon crispy? It's not bacon if it's not crispy. It's limp pork. I may lose my appetite. Well? What are you waiting for? I'm going to starve to death before you bring me something I can eat! Shoo!"

him: Shame on her for eating bacon! But, yikes...

me: Uh huh. I said it was hell...

him: LOL!

me: It's 88 degrees outside, now.

him: Still 104 here.

me: Another form of hell.

him: yup...

me: Actually, that would be my hell... Phoenix in the summertime. And me waiting on old Jewish women eating pork. Shudder.

I should probably put some clothes on. And take a dump. Gotta go soon. I gotta get cute, as Scotty says...

Maybe I'll just take a whore's bath. Douche the chonch and go... After my dump, of course...

him:Okay. Have Fun!

me: I'll try.

him: Don't forget. . . Tell Nikki I said hi.

me: I will.

him: And Brian, if he's there.

me: Alright, already! Damn…

him:What?

me: Going…

him::) Ta!

me: I said I gotta take a DUMP! Zip it!

him: LOL! Sorry.

me: MM Mm mm...

him: Hasta

me: oh for... SHUT UP ALREADY!!!

him: tev

me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

him: SO GO SHIT, DAMMIT! No one's making you reply!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me: It's a good thing I love you... always having to have the last word...

him: Yup. Vice versa.

me: Are YOU an old Jewish woman, or what? Seriously...

him: tev…

*

Ahhhhh, love… NARF! (Oh, and just for the record, I NEVER get the last word in. Ever. Seriously… ever…)




One from the goof files…